I think I wanna marry you

It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do.

Hey, baby. I think I wanna marry you..

****

Is it the look in your eyes, or is it this dancing juice.

Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you..

 

Berganding, beriring, bersaing-saing

Ajari kami bicara cinta. Yang boleh buat kami faham erti maksudnya.

Beri kami segunung kekuatan. Biar kami keluar dari selubung sembunyi. Gua sunyi. Menipu diri.

Kami cuma anak tersepit. Dalam jaring yang berbelit. 

Sokong kami bertatih, sembilan bulan berlatih.

Kotak-kotak minda kami sendat. Jiwa kami padat. Hati kami sarat. Cinta itu benar berat.

Dan kerana ia berat, seorang kami patah. Maka kami menyokong. Berganding, beriring, bersaing-saing.

Sambungan itu tegal biasa, rapi lekatnya, padan coraknya. 

Oh, kasihan si dia!

Separuh badannya terlilit benang merah di sana.

Sebelah kakinya terikat rantai besi di sini.

Listen to me, Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I don't know who else should I talk to, I just feel so confused right now.

I think I am a mess, when the battle keep choosing me over and over, and I'm almost out of breath trying to fight and win. Oh I must tell that  I usually finally survived, but with permanent major damage. Damage that can't be seen but it's there, cause I can feel it.

How does it feel, when you give your very best searching,  yet still stuck nowhere? Like there stood a very huge boulder in the middle of my way. And I no more have the strength to move it away, neither can I find any single hole to bypass the hurdle. I feel like the world collapsing. I feel like quitting. To God who always hear prayers, please grant me with the wisdom to see the light that could ease up my journey.

And tell me how. How can I raise tiny little cute kitten if I am allergic to them. And what I really want is to live in the aquarium with the colourful fishes. With the fact that fish is kitten's food and they forever cannot live together. Yeap I am confused.

And my heart, dear diary, prefers to be there over here. 

I may not losing hope yet but this is a despair. What a psychological react and advice could be the best remedy for this? Would you mourn and shed tears together with me? Would you pat me on my back, stroke my forehead and gently coax me to stay put and stand still? Would you be nice and tell me stories of wisdom, lift my spirits up? Or would you slap me in my face, wake me up from this pitiful thing I cuddled in?

Whatever it is, dear diary. I am a bit happy, just to talk and you're listening. Although I deeply wish you can give me your warmest embrace at this moment. :'(

Workaholic

Just great. Except for 3@4 days, from the begining of June until now, I am still stuck at the office at 1.30 am. And there is this hopeless, useless dream. Nothing seems like they are  gonna end pretty soon. Just like previous, another night , spend in front of desktop. If only my computer can talk, it probably shouting at me by now.

Workaholic, am I?

breaking the habit

Memories consume  like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again

You all assume
i m searching in my room
unless i try to start again

i dont want to be the one the battles always choose
cuz inside i realize that i am the one confused

i dont know what's worth fighting for or why i have to scream
i dont know why I instigate
and say what I dont mean

I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure , I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize that I am the one confused

I dont know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit, tonight

I'll paint it on the wall
Cuz I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I dont know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean

I dont know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight.

i want to be a teacher

Saya nak tukar bidang. Saya tak nak amik dinamik tanah. Saya taknak dengar suara dari tanah. Saya taknak main frekuensi mekanisma tanah. Saya taknak geoteknik. Saya takmau kejuruteraan awam. Saya taknak engineering pun. Saya taknak faham teknik dan teknikal. Saya bukan orang teknikal. 

I want to take arts. I want performing arts. I want to work behind the stage. I want acting. I like singing. I want to learn language. Languages. All different kind of languages. I want to mix with people. I want to manage things. I like secretarial work. I love liase with people. I really prefer living things rather than virtual, not-living things. I want real, original stuff. I love to talk, i love to write. I think I am good at them, even not so great. I want to learn and teach English. To the kids, to people. I want to be a teacher. 

There are a lot of things that I am not great of, but I love them. There are so many things I can do, without feeling forced to do. 

What I regret is why, there are still something that I need to do, that I dont really fancy at. Things that I am not great of either, but maybe good at them. But those things I am doing is bringing me no happiness. 

When can I stop doing what i need, and start doing what I want.

If time cannot be reversed, can it just be stopped? So that I can just start over, again?

Confession

I need to make confession. I need a confession. 

But I'm not allowed to do so. Strictly not allowed to do so. For the sake of their own good. For the sake of their feelings. For the sake of their happiness. 

So what if i'm burning inside out. So what if I am to swallow every single shit. So what, people just dont care.

How long more should I wait.

I hate myself more.

What i really need is CONFESSION. fullstop.

YukSam

Tengah2 tension buat term project yg nak kena present selasa ni, tiba tiba teringat kenangan hujung minggu jalan jalan. 

Dah tau sepatutnya dua tiga minggu belakang ni tak sepatutnya membuang masa. Tapi sebab minggu lepas bergaduh besar, lepas tu terpaksa lah keluar konon2 nk berbaik dan menghilangkan kebencian di hati masing masing. Ayah kate ape, jangan gaduh gaduh kan. hiks.

Nak upload gambar tapi kabel tertinggal kt rumah lepas tu biasanya balik rumah penat dan terlentang terus. So nanti lah upload gambar. 

Ok last week pergi building 63 iaitu bangunan tertinggi kt korea. Dengan bayaran krw34000 (bersamaan lebih kurang rm 100 kot) amik full package. Dapat pegi wax museum, aquarium ikan, naik sky tower art gallery (konon2 tgk satu seoul :') ) tgk 3D iMax (screen besar giler-giler) tapi kan ada org tu dok tidur je keje. penat kot :P

Lepas tu yg best dpt experience masuk wayang 5D pulak. 5D okeyh! hehe. 

ok sambung cter lenkali bye! 

Bukan

Bukan sengaja taknak update blog. Tapi susah nak cari topik yang sesuai waktu-waktu sekarang ni. Bukan takda cerita nak cakap. Bukan tak stress dengan kerja2 sekolah, term project. Bukan tak depressed pasal final exam minggu depan. Bukan tak tension dengan kerja research, nak tulis paper la, nak analisis data dan pelbagai. Tapi setiap kali bukak window new post, yang keluar mesti cerita pasal itu itu itu. berapa kali nk post lepas tu delete balik pun tak tau. 

Lemah la kau ni Nadia!

****

Bukan, bukan. Bukan cerita biasa. Walaupun kalau yang ikut dengar mungkin bosan kata ah tak usah bohong! Kau tahu ini komplikasi bukan. Aku tahu ini komplikasi. Kau tahu kau terjerat tersepit menjerit, dalam liang serabut jaring yang kau sendiri tak habis sulam. Kau jatuh dalam gaung yang kau sendiri gali dalam. Dan kau bertanggungjawab untuk panjat keluar selamatkan diri. Oh jangan lupa, serta isi anak kapal yang kau ikut bawa jatuh sekali. 

Aku cuma mahu hidup bahagia. Bukan gila. Tanggungjawab kau pastikan itu.

p/s : butuhkamu

a lonely path

Sakitt sangat, kan. Waktu-waktu rapuh macam ni, aku perlu sokongan yang sangat kuat. I wish , how i wish I could tell somebody. I wish, how i really wish I am not alone. 

Sungguh, sungguh, rasa mcm orang gila sekarang. Hati kecik tak boleh nk tanggung sikit pun tekanan. Calarnya mudah, nak sembuhnya payah.

Sunyinya walaupun ada teman kt sisi. Sebab yang ada kita tak tahu hati budi. Yang ada tak ikhlas ungkap janji. Yang ada ... :(

Sekali sekala. menyesal rasanya datang sini.

miss u

I miss u alright. I truly do   :(

Fall

Everytime i walk i would stumble and fall. Even on linear path.



Forget the bumpy road.


I wish there is somebody holding my hand. :(

Bruises

As I lay naked on the bath tub floor, letting the water showers over my body. I cried looking at my ownself. I am full of bruises.

Asam rebus dan sambal belacan

medium , zat dan jasadnya berbeza

rupa tak sama warna tak usah cerita

boleh kalau kau mahu satu-satu berlainan masa

tapi kau takkan boleh lupa enaknya jika digabung bersama

Jika digabung bersama, kau takkan boleh lupa..

p/s : Bidalan itu macam kau dan aku bukan. Berbeza tapi melengkapi.

Utusan perpisahan

He is really a dear friend of mine. And now he is gone. Left me to believe that he's no longer here. 

Perkenalan kami bermula di Malaysia lagi. February. Aku ingat jelas. Resume nya aku terima sebagai salam perkenalan. Setiap hari ada saja perkara dibualkan. Kalau tak pun sekadar bertukar khabar.

Hari pertama aku di republik ini. Berselisih di tengah jalan universiti yang masih asing. Dia melambai dan melempar senyum. Oh ini dia yang aku kenali 5 bulan lalu.

Hari berganti bulan. Persahabatan jadi makin erat. Terutama dalam situasi lab yang sangat sukar dan penuh politik. Tapi kami gembira bersama. Memahami sesama sendiri. Mengambil berat sesama sendiri. Bergurau senda sesama sendiri. Hujung minggu, jika tiada aktviti bersama Kak Norinah, memang kepada dia lah aku beralih. Jom kta ke sana! Jom kita ke sini! Tak pernah dia membantah. Malah gembira tambah kenalan baru.

Kesedihan aku bertukar lab tak berpanjangan. Hubungan kami masih erat. Sesekali tertekan dengan persekitaran, dia jadi mangsa menemani , menghirup kopi. Tapi ceritanya juga banyak, sampai tak pernah mengopi kurang dari sejam . :')

Hujung minggu aktiviti kami masih sama. Ke sana ke sini jika tidak sibuk. Agenda masih serupa, cuma sapaan bertukar kepada lebih kasual. Setiap baris ayat biasa dipenuhi jenaka. Setiap hari wajib menyapa biarpun di msn cuma. Perbualan yang mulanya formal setiap kali diakhiri dengan sakit perut menahan ketawa. 

Satu hari dia katakan padaku dengan nada serius. Terlalu serik dan bosan. Terlalu 'sakit' dengan situasi di makmalnya. Aku naik risau. Ada bau-bau mengalah. Ada unsur-unsur putus asa. Aku bertukar madah. Dari cuma sapaan di msn, aku cuba buat dia rasa gembira dan dihargai. Setiap malam dan pagi tak lupa ucap selamat. Setiap kali aku ke luar daerah melakukan kerja lapangan, kami berhubung sms. Biar dia rasa dekat. Biar dia rasa selamat.

Walau pun begitu. Dapat kuhidu selanya masih berat. Hatinya masih sarat. Setiap bicaranya seperti telah nekad. Aku tak pernah melarang apatah lagi membantah. Aku pernah berada di sampan yang sama, aku tahu perit dia. Yang mampu aku beri, nasihat. Dan kata-kata penguat semangat. 

Seminggu sebelum pergi. Dia datang membawa berita yang aku kira teramat berat. Hatinya bulat. "Minggu depan saya akan pergi. Boleh awak tolong saya carikan tiket? ". Mendengar permintaannya buatkan hatiku bagai disiat. Walau payah tetap aku tunaikan hajat dia. Mungkin ini kali yang terakhir. 

Tapi antara percaya atau tidak, aku masih meneruskan hari-hariku seperti biasa. Sehingga tanggal 3 hari sebelum pemergiannya aku dapat khabar dari seorang rakan, tiketnya telah siap ditempah. Masa pergi ialah Isnin. Baru aku tersentak. Rasa macam direnggut. Semua ni benarlah, bukan mimpi! Perginya betul tak kembali. Sepanjang hari tak keruan. Aku bertemu dia selepas sebaldi air mata tumpah. Tapi jawapannya sama. Menangis lagi aku sampai ke malam. 

Buat kali terakhir Ahad itu aku menemaninya membeli barang-barang cenderahati untuk keluarganya. Walaupun teramat sibuk, kuluang juga sedikit masa untuknya. Dan bila tiba Isnin, hiba hati aku masih tak tertahan. Setiap hari berendam air mata gamaknya. Emosi aku lemah. Minda terganggu . Setiap apa tindakan yang mengingatkan dia cukup untuk buat air mata aku jatuh. Hatta melihat tempat makan yang selalu wujudnya dia pun boleh buat aku teresak-esak. Semua kekuatan yang aku kumpul ketika di lapangan untuk tidak menangis di hadapannya hilang. Gugur satu persatu setibanya aku di seitar Universiti tempat kami bermain sepanjang 8 bulan yang lepas.

Bukan pergi seorang sahabat aku tangisi. Pergi seorang ahli keluarga di sini yang aku sesalkan. Pergi kerana situasi mendesak. Cukup hampir setahun dia memaksa diri kuat bertahan. Hakikatnya lopak di mana dia terjatuh itu terlalu dalam. Faktanya lubang itu terlampau busuk. Dan sampai saat ini, aku masih menyesali kehadiran lubang mati itu.

Samath, 

You are the very best company I ever had here. It seems like everything I see is forcing me to shed tears for you. Every lecture room, every restaurant we ever went, every cloth i bought with you. Even the elevator. The first floor, the 6th floor. You are intelligent and you are blessed with shiny golden heart. Nobody ever has problem with you. You know how to handle each and every on of us brilliantly.  Every one of us here is regretting upon your leave. We miss u dearly now and always. 

Those days I spent with u will remains cheerish in my mind. The things we shared together will be my best memory with you. Even up to this second, my eyes are not dry, not yet. U went away is clearly, too big for me to handle. Save our memory, and keep in touch forever. I wish u the very best of luck , good fortune will always be with you. 

Thanks for everything my beloved friend. It is obvious, that losing you hurts me so much. Miss you.